The struggle continues...

Overall, work was good, today. Some older teenage girls came in the store and I will admit that I found them very beautiful. I was professional and courteous, however, I would liked to have talked to them more. I think they were HS seniors, which is normal for an adult male to be interested, but I know that the situation for me is not tenable. The primary reason being they probably have younger siblings which would be a problem.

An older teenage boy came in, as well. I found him slightly attractive but it did not seem like it was going to be a problem. And, I do not think it was but had he been younger I really think it would have been an issue for me.

After work, I usually go to a restaurant to use their wifi and (now) blog. I have a favorite booth I like to sit and work. I provides some privacy as I am usually writing about very sensitive personal struggles. It is comfortable and usually quiet which makes for a good writing environment. Plus, the staff are wonderful.

Today, I switched sides of the booth for more privacy. Most of the evening was good. Then, a mother and her young son (8 or 9) came in and sat in the booth across the aisle with the boy facing me. I already had my glasses off to help me focus on what I was doing. However, despite being myopic, I can see well enough when it is only 3 or 4 feet from me.

He was an attractive looking boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Both of which are a problem for me. He got up numerous times (as children do) which only heightened my anxiety/curiosity regarding him. His mother left a couple of times for 1 or 2 minutes which was problematic because the temptation to look at him intently or even talk to him was nearly unbearable. I did not stare or engage him but I did look at his backside once when he was getting up to leave.

Of course, I loathe these thoughts and feelings. I just know that I would not be happier to never have them again, yet, a (worldly/flesh/sinful) side of me wants to encourage them and that is frightening.