Some days are better than others...

Well, I must say that, I usually have either great days or horrible days. I have had a series of good days this week. I am grateful for that, yet I know that a bad day is likely to come soon. I dread those days. Honestly, I do not know how I survive some of them.

So what is the difference? What does a good day look like versus a bad day?

Good day:

These are days where I have little or no trouble keeping my thoughts in check. I still find that some boys are attractive, however, it is easy to refocus my thoughts. Also, I tend not to be preoccupied with looking at them. Sometimes, it is because I have less contact with boys. Other times, it is that my medication, fluoxetine (an SSRI) is "working" better.

Bad day:

These days usually start out fine. It seems that I have more contact with young boys (and teenage girls) on these days. Although, that is not the case all of the time. Occasionally, one boy in particular that day is especially attractive and I find that I cannot keep from paying attention to him. I try not to engage any young boys unless it is absolutely appropriate and/or necessary.

The bad days are marred by constant sexual thoughts, some staring, and an intense desire to interact with a boy in some manner. That interaction does not necessarily translate to an inappropriate situation. There are times where I have an intense desire simply to talk to a boy.

*** Trigger Warning ***

The result is usually me doing something I should not. That may mean dwelling on how handsome a boy is or staring at his face, groin, or buttocks. It may be that I look at images of boys in underwear or speedos. I have gone so far as to look at videos of nude African boys in a tribal setting like a rite of passage. While that is not illegal it certainly not healthy particularly for me.

I have had times where I was physically aroused. (Actually, those times seem a little easier because I am self conscious about someone seeing me with an erection in public.) Thankfully, I have not acted out on my thoughts, feelings, or desires since I was released from prison meaning they are safe and so am I.

I still do not know what my "triggers" are and that bothers me. I mean, I know a couple but that is all. Which makes it difficult to pinpoint when things are getting worse for me. I only wish I understood better so as to keep others and myself more safe.