Failure and Recovery
I have failed! I allowed myself to relapse into old hurtful behaviors. No, I did not abuse any children. I did, however, entertain sexual fantasies and thoughts of previous victims and boys I have seen recently that I found attractive.
I make no excuse for this behavior. I, even, told my weekly treatment group. Of course, they were disappointed yet supportive. I only felt concern from them but that did not stop me from hating myself even more than before the incident.
As I work through my attractions, thoughts, and feelings, I only realize more than ever that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I am resigned to being tormented by this curse. I do find comfort in my faith in God and the supportive family and friends I have. Although, not much of that comfort lasts more than a little while. Then, the self-loathing and disgust returns.
I only wish there was a foolproof remedy for this affliction other than death. No, I am not being a fatalist. I do not want to die. I do want to live just without these issues consuming my life daily.
A couple of weeks has passed since this post should have been published. I do feel somewhat better about myself. I presented an assignment at group this week. I am recovering from my slip. However, I am still reminded of how easy it would/could be to fall back into the old cycle again. I only want to be "normal," whatever that looks like.
I have been collecting various ebooks, articles, and theses about pedophilia, child molestation, and sexual addiction. It is my hope to upload them to Google Drive or provide links to them for all who are interested. Also, I will begin to fill in the information on the other pages detailing my journey from victim to abuser. Know this, I do not condone, excuse, or justify my abusive behaviors. My abuse may have contributed to my poor, hurtful decisions but it in no way is a justification for my actions. I take full and complete responsibility for the hurt and pain I caused in the lives of the innocents who are my many victims.
A couple of weeks has passed since this post should have been published. I do feel somewhat better about myself. I presented an assignment at group this week. I am recovering from my slip. However, I am still reminded of how easy it would/could be to fall back into the old cycle again. I only want to be "normal," whatever that looks like.
I have been collecting various ebooks, articles, and theses about pedophilia, child molestation, and sexual addiction. It is my hope to upload them to Google Drive or provide links to them for all who are interested. Also, I will begin to fill in the information on the other pages detailing my journey from victim to abuser. Know this, I do not condone, excuse, or justify my abusive behaviors. My abuse may have contributed to my poor, hurtful decisions but it in no way is a justification for my actions. I take full and complete responsibility for the hurt and pain I caused in the lives of the innocents who are my many victims.
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